getting married

[uplinger]

getting married It first started out with a "let's get married at city hall, two witnesses, avoid all the stress". Of course that didn't happen. Now it has become an expensive and stressful endeavor. I just want to get married. We work well together. The relationship is fantastic, best buds, great lovers, great communicators. My demeanor is laid back. I want whatever is going to make her happy. Apparently, this isn't working. She claims that I don't give a shit one way or another, that I don't have any interest or enthusiasm about this all. Mind you, we started planning all of this about a month ago. I don't know WHAT to get excited about. It's a new thing every day. I was working a centre job - 50 hours a week dealing with foreclosures. I haven't had much emotion until I left it a few days ago. Now I've joined her in another city and I'm trying to do what I can. I don't even know if I'm making sense. I just want the ceremony to start so that all this planning is over with. It's been a whirlwind. It's been overwhelming and all of these accusations are shaking me down to the core, making me question all of this. Maybe she's right. Maybe I don't give a crap, why should I be getting married. Ughhhh!

[triana]

classic mistake The point where you screwed up is letting the scope and cost of the wedding exceed what you wanted. You wanted a city hall wedding with two witnesses. You're not getting that anymore and now you've tuned out. "Whatever makes you happy" is a tune-out response to you're not getting what you want. It means, "somebody should get what they want, and it ain't me." She senses that tune-out and that's what's pissing her off. You shouldn't want whatever it takes to make her happy. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED. As the cost is going up and the stress is going up, she's freaking out too and she wants to know you're there with her. She doesn't want someone placating her. She wants to share something with you. You should want something that makes you happy. Otherwise, it looks like you're just playing a game with her.

[lahti]

You're absolutely right We're not getting the city-hall ceremony like I wanted - it's out of the question at this point. At this point, I have to rise up and accept the responsibility, meet it head on, otherwise I feel like this is going to drag us down.

[shrider]

as I always say to the young men at times like this... Getting married is a mistake you have to make for yourself. No one can explain how fucked up it really is. You have to learn for yourself. You are starting to learn. Welcome to the club. And regarding remarriage after divorce... Anyone can make a mistake, only a fool repeats it.

[skonieczny]

Many people are happily married for years until death do they part.

[dansie]

I'm sorry things didn't pan out for you.

[Nishith]

Good advice from the Captain.

[goffney]

You sound pretty passive-aggressive You're annoyed at the "expense" and the "stress", and it's showing, big time. You think this will make her happy -- and heck, she probably thinks it will make her happy, too -- but I think you both need to sit down over a quiet little dinner and talk about what makes you BOTH happy. That "whatever makes you happy, honey" is a routine passive-aggressive way of not participating in something with which you are uncomfortable. And don't think she doesn't know it. You are BOTH getting married, and you should at least be a little happy about it, instead of dreading it. There are lots of ways around this -- have the private civil ceremony, but then throw a party afterwards, etc. Planning a wedding can definitely be overwhelming -- but you are making it more so by throwing your hands up and saying, "Whatever, hon". Offer to take on a couple of tasks and take responsibility for them. If you guys can't work together on something like a wedding and communicate, it's a bad sign for the future, no matter how much you think you "work well together" and "great communicators."

[ehlers]

Yes! I replied to this in my above post.

[bucholz]

How far has the planning gone? Has she put deposits down for places? Be upfront and tell her that you would prefer something small and intimate. Someone suggested marrying at city hall and then having a party, which would be nice. You could always have just immediate family, or something like that to keep it more low key. The wedding is just one day. The marriage is what is important. However, you should both be pleased with your wedding. It sounds like she is putting too much in and making it into something you don't like, and you are not putting anything in. It's a well-intended effort to placate her and to let her have whatever she wants, but what she wants is your opinion and from what you've written here, it seems that your opinion is that smaller and simpler is better. Share that.

[roseboro]

Don't let the wedding grow into a monster They tend to do that when left to their own devices. If you haven't put money down on anything yet, talk to her about this. Remind her of the fact that you aren't doing this for everyone else, you are doing it for each other. Ask her if she would rather have a wedding or a marriage.

[mouton]

I would elope- exciting, romantic, memorable,

[manders]

I dunno... She changed the rules, and starts being a cunt about shit, yah? Well, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't wanna get married after that.

[ferraris]

I am going to jump in here so listen up Please read what you wrote: I just want to get married. We work well together. The relationship is fantastic, best buds, great lovers, great communicators. Sounds to me like you are going to be one really happy husband and that you truly love your lady. Don't confuse getting married and the actual wedding itself. One is a lifelong commitment you make to your partner and the other is the venue in which you do it. Most women dream of their wedding day. Women want this day to be perfect. Some women are happy with a simple ceremony and others want a big bash. Both have one thing in common and that this is her day and should be all about her. Your future wife will will look beautiful and your heart will swell when you see her. Hopefully you will get choked up. "Wanting whatever will make her happy" is wonderful and right now make her happy she needs you to be excited and participate in the planning of your wedding. She is probably right that you don't give a crap....most men don't care about flowers, cake, invitations, and all the other stuff. However you do care and love her so buck up and get involved. Do yourself a favor and check out the death and dying forum. There are 3 gentlemen there that have lost their wives. One was married 40 yrs, one 9 and I can't remember how long for the other. All 3 of these gentlemen would trade places with you in a heartbeat. These men would move mountains to be planning their weddings instead of having to have buried their wives. Please put this whole wedding issue into perspective and run, don't walk and throw yourself into planning your wedding with your wonderful future wife. It is really such a simple thing to do.

[Farra]

you see here is a problem my fiance 'common law" wife because she's here with me living with me through mediums and it's very true; although the problem im starting to have is that she is doing wayy too much and it's really taking away my **i dunno** it makes me feel very inadequate and sometimes i wonder if she' is in love with the idea of love itself or with me; because it almost seems like a competition on who can love the other one better. is anyone else lucky enough to have found someone like this? and if you have what would you suggest? putting my talk bewteen my legs and bowing out gracefully for being inadequate or just keep trying? seriously; the relationship is very uneven.

[tilton]

heinekin?

[thiel]

sorry! everyones a grown up and am the last person on earth to say anything about anything at with regards to

[alpert]

Nice one kermit I love this... Don't confuse getting married and the actual wedding itself. One is a lifelong commitment you make to your partner and the other is the venue in which you do it. ~greenlikekermit